Anxiety

I need to whine. A lot. Bear with me.

Car accidents suck. Car accidents while pregnant suck even more. Car accidents while none of your friends or family know that you're pregnant are even worse.

My back is still killing me from the accident, and all I can take is Tylenol. All of my friends and family keep eagerly asking me what I'm taking for the pain, and when I tell them that I'm just taking Tylenol, they think that I'm nuts, since they don't know that the pregnancy is limiting my pain relief options. Several have told me that I should angrily call my doctor and insist that she prescribe something stronger for me. My options for dealing with my friends: either lie to them and tell them that my back isn't that bad, so I don't need anything stronger; or lie to them and tell them that I am taking something stronger, even though I'm not. Either way, it's pretty obvious when you're with me for more than a few minutes that I'm awfully uncomfortable, so I don't know that either lie will be at all believable.

Several of my friends have had experience with neck and back injuries from car accidents, and they're asking me all sorts of questions about what my x-ray showed. Um, I haven't had an x-ray. There's really no way to x-ray the lower back without shooting radiation through my defenseless 6-week-old apple seed. (S wants me to get the x-ray, in the hope that the radiation will produce a child with superpowers. I think he's kidding. But he might not be.) But when my friends hear that I haven't had an x-ray or an MRI, they're outraged. They're positive that my doctor is negligent, or stupid, or both. But I can't explain to them that my doctor is not being negligent, she's being respectful of my desire to protect my child, because they don't know that I'm pregnant.

I'm tempted to lie and tell them that I did get an MRI, and it showed nothing, just to get people off my case. But you know what totally stupid reason is stopping me? I desperately want sympathy. And if I tell people that I have good strong pain killers and nothing seriously wrong, then nobody will give me any sympathy at all, even though it's obvious to me that something is wrong, and I'm in a lot of pain.

I'm seeing a specialist on Monday, who will hopefully be able to diagnose something, or at least rule out my primary care doctor's worry that I fractured my back. I don't know how much he'll be able to do, though, without an x-ray or an MRI. I'm kind of scared that he's just going to say that without an x-ray, there's nothing he can suggest for me, and send me on my way.

Also, I'm terrified for my ultrasound next week. I know that my little apple seed is well cushioned, and should be completely immune to any effects from the accident, but still... I hate not knowing for sure. And I can't just ask for an early ultrasound, because an ultrasound right now wouldn't actually show anything yet, it's still too early. If it were a few weeks from now, my doctor could have done an ultrasound immediately after the accident, and I'd know that everything was fine. But having to wait? Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.

I'm also terrified that I won't be able to make it through nine months of pregnancy with a back injury. I had lower back pain on and off during my pregnancy with LL, and that was just from a normal pregnancy. Going through that with an injured back and pre-existing pain? With no options for relief? I don't know how to cope with that.

And I really hate that S is the only person I can talk to. Don't get me wrong -- S is great -- but I hate not being able to talk to other family and friends. I was tempted to just tell my mom everything, but then I get upset that this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell her about the pregnancy. ("No, Mom, I haven't had an MRI, because it's not safe for the baby. Oh, did I not mention that I'm pregnant?") Also, S is very very into the first trimester secrecy thing. He's already upset that so many people know. (He complained to me that the police officers at the accident scene knew about the pregnancy before our family. Um, not a lot I can do about that.) So telling people about the pregnancy isn't really a good option.

So, I'm lying down a lot and taking Tylenol and trying to work, and I'm putting on a brave face for everyone around me and pretending that it's nothing, I'm fine, nothing to worry about. But I'm actually in a lot of pain, and I'm full of anxiety. I'll hopefully have some answers by the end of next week, after I meet with the specialist and see the apple seed on ultrasound, but in the mean time... this just really sucks.

Things that Sucked Today

1. Getting into an accident on the freeway this morning because the stupid car behind me didn't notice that everybody in front of them, including me, had already come to a stop.

2. Thinking that I could drive to work once the police finished writing up their report, only to discover that I had a flat tire, which necessitated me pulling over into a random parking lot off an unnamed frontage road.

3. Both the tow truck driver and the rental car guy getting lost on their way to meet me.

4. My cell phone company having an area-wide outage just then, resulting in my cell phone, and the cell phones of a few strangers that I managed to flag down, being completely unable to either make or receive calls. Thus, the tow truck driver and the rental car guy were both trying to call me to figure out where I was, but I didn't receive any of their calls, and I was unable to call them to figure out what was going on once I realized that I'd been waiting an awfully long time. Thanks for nothing, AT&T.

5. The tow truck guy arriving before the rental guy, requiring me to empty my car of all of my belongings, including LL's car seat, into the middle of the parking lot, then sit with them in the rain while I waited for the rental car. The tow truck guy was kind enough to contact the rental car place for me using his phone, to give them better directions, but was not kind enough to let me wait in his truck out of the rain. Because, you know, he has a schedule to keep.

6. The rental car company arriving with barely enough time to get me a car and get me back on the road to make it to the doctors appointment that I'd quickly scheduled immediately after the crash. How silly of me to think that 3+ hours would be plenty of time to make it to the appointment less than a mile away from the site of the accident.

7. My doctor informing me that, if I was already feeling whiplash pain in my neck so soon after the accident, I'm probably going to be feeling a whole heck of a lot of pain for the next several weeks, but because I'm first-trimester pregnant, I can only take Tylenol.

8. My doctor becoming extremely concerned about some tenderness in my lower back. She thinks it's possible that I fractured my back, but the only way to be sure would be to take an x-ray, which is a no-no during early pregnancy.

9. The orthopedic consult ordered by my doctor being booked for the next several months. They're going to try to fit me in sometime in the next week or two, but in the mean time, I've been told to report immediately to the emergency room if I feel any numbness in my legs.

10. Discovering that my local drug store is sold out of Tylenol.

On the plus side, I'm not having any spotting or cramping, so it's possible that my little apple seed is still safe and sound for now.

Progress

Yep, I'm ever-so-slightly pregnant. 4w5d. That scary hold-your-breath, don't-count-your-chickens period of time before you've even seen a tadpole with a little flickering pixel of a heartbeat on ultrasound. Tentative due date, pending confirmation at my first prenatal appointment in mid-May, is January 7.

Morning sickness set in much sooner than last time, and I am spending an unbelievable amount of my limited energy on trying not to toss my cookies. I was fairly nauseous for most of the first trimester with LL, but I never actually threw up even once, despite putting myself into some very questionable situations (several long and turbulent airplane rides, exposure to new and very smelly foods, and an ill-advised IMAX movie, to name a few). This time around, I'm already feeling sicker than last time, and I haven't even reached the point when I first started to feel morning sickness last time. Yikes! Not even five weeks yet, and I'm already carrying around saltine crackers.

When I was pregnant with LL, we waited until we were safely past 13 weeks to tell absolutely anyone about the pregnancy. (We told my brother around 9 weeks, due to some special circumstances, but that was it; even our parents didn't find out until Week 13.) We hope to keep this pregnancy under wraps as well, as much as possible. If I continue to be so much more sick in the first trimester, that might be tough. And, much to my dismay, one of my friends already knows. We went to her daughter's birthday party last weekend, and she served a lunch of cold cut sandwiches. I had just found out that I was pregnant, and hadn't reviewed all of the foods that I'm supposed to avoid eating, so I took a sandwich. And then remembered that cold cuts are no-nos. And I apparently swore quietly under my breath and tried to be subtle about returning the sandwich to the tray. But my friend noticed, and asked me later if I was pregnant. I tried to come up with some other reasonable excuse for putting the sandwich back, but I totally failed, so... yeah, she knows. She then told me that she worried about serving cold cuts, in case anyone was pregnant, but then decided that it would be a fun "test" so that she could discover any unannounced pregnancies before everyone else knew. Which is, um, clever I guess, but I kind of resent falling into her little trap. It's still very very very very early for us, and without even seeing a heartbeat on ultrasound yet, I really really hate that the cat is even a little out of the bag.

But, there it is. 4w5d. I'm thrilled, but trying very hard not to get my hopes up. Counting down to the first ultrasound at seven weeks.

Different

When I went to pick up LL yesterday, Natasha stopped in her tracks as soon as she opened the door and just stared at me. She insisted that something was different, that I looked really good, but something was obviously different. I've known Natasha for more than a year, I see her several times a week, and she has never before said something like this to me. She just couldn't figure out exactly what was different. I just shrugged, because I'm not sure what she had noticed.

Surely it couldn't be that she can actually tell that I'm four weeks pregnant.

18

Conversation with Dr. M at one of my appointments last week:

Dr. M, walking into the exam room: So, this is Cycle Day 18, right?
Me: Yes it is.
Dr. M: Hey, you've got to be impressed that I remembered that it is Cycle Day 18 without even looking at your chart!
Me: Actually, yeah, I am impressed!
Dr. M: See, I have a lot of patients, but I always remember you. With me, you're not just a number!
Me: Um, except that "18" is a number.

In other news, I am still sick. When I realized that LL was totally better, S was obviously on the mend, yet I was still getting worse day by day, I went to see my doctor. Sinus infection. Worst one I've ever had. Hard to describe how awful I feel, especially since I always feel nauseous for several days after trigger shots, so I've got that on top of the cold and sinus infection. Lovely. I have now missed 6 days of work because of this stupid illness, and tomorrow is looking iffy. In the last two weeks, I have made six pots of soup, and I'm still not better. (For the record, they were: broccoli cheese, cabbage borscht, matzo ball, beef barley, split pea, and broccoli cheese again.)

In other other news, I meant to record that LL spoke his first sentence last month, where "sentence" is loosely defined as "two or more words that LL doesn't normally say together, said in a single breath." I was holding him, and he said, "Down, Mama!" Yes, my little boy had to wait 18 months to finally reach the cognitive development point where he could string together the words to turn to me at last and say, "Oh, for goodness sake, Mother, quit smothering me already and put me down!"

Goals

Major things that I hope to accomplish between now and the end of 2010, roughly in the order in which I'd like to do them:

1. Get pregnant.
2. Get a job.
3. Defend thesis.
4. Write thesis.
5. Graduate.
6. Travel to visit S's parents.
7. Start new job.
8. Buy new house.
9. Sell old house.

Some of these things need to happen in order:
Both thesis-related tasks need to happen before I can graduate.
I need to graduate before I can start a new job.
I need to start a job before I can buy a new house.
I need to buy a new house before I can sell my old house.

Thus, the general order is: (thesis stuff) --> (job stuff) --> (house stuff)
with the caveat that I should be looking for a new job sooner rather than later, so that part should really overlap the thesis stuff.

The trip to visit S's parents is likely going to happen over the summer, regardless of the state of the other things, but I'd prefer if it were after I defend my thesis but before I start a new job. We haven't seen S's parents since LL's birthday, which was almost 7 months ago, and that's waaaay too long between grandparent visits. If I had my way, LL would see each of his grandparents 3-4 times a year (preferably twice at our place and once at each of their places, with a fourth visit for each set of grandparents left as a wildcard). We hit that goal during LL's first year, but we're not on target to pull it off during year two, and that makes me sad. Admittedly, it hasn't been our fault; S's parents have had to cancel two separate planned trips because of S's dad's bad health (not horrible, nothing life-threatening, just annoying and persistent). But, if they can't travel to us, then we should get off our butts and go see them.

The first task on the list, getting pregnant, has no prerequisites or dependencies, but you know, I'd like for it to happen as soon as possible. Not that I have a whole lot of control over it. The obvious follow-up goal, giving birth to a baby, has been left off the list because it is no longer possible to do that in a healthy way during 2010. Sigh.

On the plus side, we actually have a viable cycle this month, so at least it's theoretically possible to achieve a pregnancy. My follicle scan this morning showed one follicle measuring at 18, so we did the trigger shot and have an IUI tomorrow morning. Woo hoo! I really don't think that I could have handled a third canceled cycle in a row, and this one wasn't looking that promising earlier in the week. (Today is cycle day 18; my body is slooooow these days at maturing eggs.) But, my right ovary came through in the end, so now we just wait.

Not helping: our entire household is sick. LL started it last Friday, when I got a mid-day call from daycare informing me that he woke up from his nap with a fever, cough, runny nose, lethargy, you name it. By Sunday evening, I was sick, too. S followed Monday morning. Since LL's fever was still going strong yesterday, we finally took him to the doctor, who diagnosed double ear infection, so he is now on his first ever course of antibiotics. S has turned the corner and is starting to feel better, but I'm still feeling more ill each day, and I feel so unbelievably awful that it's kind of hard to believe that I haven't hit bottom yet. Fun times.

I'm going to be home from work tomorrow yet again, after the IUI, then back on track with work next week, I hope.

Nine major life-changing goals, 8.5 months. A girl has to dream.

Things I Learned This Week

Another Passover survived. I got through all of the cooking I had planned, and I approximated the quantities better than normal. (I usually make way too much food, and we eat leftovers all week and I still end up throwing out leftover food. This year, we had enough leftovers to last almost but not quite the entire week, none was thrown out, and we had non-leftovers for a few meals. Woo hoo!) The house was presentable for guests without an unreasonable amount of stashing-junk-in-corners-where-no-one-will-notice. LL was a bit cautious around all the visitors for the first, oh, 30 minutes or so, and then he was like, "Oh, grandparents are FUN! They'll play with me all the time!" LL even stayed awake for both Seders, tried small bites of a few new foods, and clapped along with the songs. A few things that we learned during Passover:

1. LL likes wine. A lot. He has had wine before -- he had some at his bris, and he sucked a few drops off my finger at last year's Seders. This year, at the beginning of the Seder, when everyone drinks the first of four ritual cups of wine, I held up my wine glass to his lips so that he could have a sip as part of the service. He then spent the entire rest of the Seder, and several days afterward, pointing eagerly at wine bottles and plaintively asking, "More? More? More!?!" At first, I thought it was just that he liked the sweet kosher wine, so I switched him to a dry pinot noir for the second sip. Nope, he liked it just as much. I finally had a conversation with him about how some foods and drinks are only eaten on special occasions, so there would be no more wine until next Passover, which actually satisfied him and he hasn't brought it up since. Still... alcoholic toddler.

2. LL loves matzah, too. He eagerly ate it for the first several days before growing sick of it. But honestly, every Jew I know grows sick of it halfway through Passover, so that was expected.

3. I couldn't get LL to try any brisket or gefilte fish or matzah balls, but he did eat a little bit of charoset. And S fed him a little horseradish during the Seder, which I feared would make LL never take food from us ever again, but he actually liked it and asked for a second taste. He also ate beet borscht, which is very yummy but also very very messy. If anybody has advice on getting out beet stains, I'd love to hear it, because so far nothing has worked.

4. LL hates when other people try to sleep in his presence. My father and my uncle were both fairly exhausted from traveling, and kept dozing off on the couch while LL played with my mom and my grandfather. Whenever LL would notice that one of them had fallen asleep, he would walk over and tap them on the leg and insistently hand them toys until they opened their eyes. Then he would clap. Good to know that it's not just me and S who aren't allowed to sleep, ever.

5. We don't know where he picked it up (must be daycare) but LL is suddenly into playing with action figures. My grandfather brought him a little toy dinosaur, and LL immediately "walked" the dinosaur over different surfaces while making little "walking" noises, then paused to make the dinosaur ROAR several times before continuing on his way. It was very very cute. Also, "roar!" is now one of LL's favorite words. Also, "wow!" They sound a lot alike.

6. I work too much around LL. There was one day last week when I had no childcare but needed to pick something up at my office, so I took LL with me. He immediately asked to sit in my office chair, in front of a keyboard, mouse, and large monitor that weren't attached to anything. (Normally they're hooked to a laptop, but the laptop was at home.) I let him touch whatever he wanted, since nothing was hooked up. He spent half an hour (!) typing very purposefully at the keyboard, moving the mouse, scrutinizing the test pattern on the monitor, picking up a pen to jot down notes on a notepad, then returning to his typing. It was all very serious and deliberate, and he was very obviously emulating me. Yikes.

All the out of town visitors have returned home now, so it's back to work. I have no other major distractions between now and graduation, so it's just one continuous uninterrupted climb until my thesis is done. Graduation is in a little over two months, but after talking with AdvisorA and AdvisorB, it is becoming increasingly clear that there is no way I will be able to schedule my defense to occur before graduation. (The delay is because of scheduling issues, not research issues. Getting five professors in the same room for four hours is hard under normal conditions, but when one of the five lives three time zones away and refuses to be at all flexible about her travel schedule... it's a lot harder. Thanks again for all your "help," AdvisorA.) So, I will probably "walk through" my commencement even though I haven't turned in my dissertation, then I will defend later that month, and take part of the summer to finish writing and revising.

As for my plan to finish three thesis chapters by Passover? Derailed a bit. I was almost there, and then I found out from AdvisorB that he'd really prefer to see different chapters than the ones I was working on (specifically, he won't look at anything else until he sees a full draft of the one chapter that I hadn't even started yet) so I had to switch tracks. I have lots of chapters that are part-way done, notably the three that I had been working on and the one that AdvisorB wants, but none that are finished. Ah well, at least it's still progress.