Relieved. Just Relieved.

Things are still looking good. I had my NT exam today, and the preliminary results look very promising. (Based on the measurements, bloodwork, etc., it looks like the risk of chromosomal problems is one in a bajillion. Give or take.) After being so active at my last appointment, today the Frog was dancing around a lot less. My NT exam with LL took forever, because he absolutely refused to stay still and be measured, but the Frog was quite cooperative. Everything went very quickly.

I also met with the endocrinologist this week, to discuss my GD diagnosis. She agrees that I probably don't have true gestational diabetes, but rather a mild sort of gestational insulin resistance, which only really appears when I'm stressed out. But given that "stressed out" is my normal state these days, it's best to keep an eye on it. She gave me the go-ahead to be more forgiving with my diet, which is nice. And I can ease up on the monitoring. (She suggested monitoring every other day, or skipping the monitoring after one meal each day. Enough to take some of the pressure off, and avoid having to quit my job, but not so much that I'm likely to miss any upward trends that might occur later in the pregnancy.) And she promised that if my blood sugar levels continued to look as excellent as they do right now, she would personally talk to Dr. M to make sure that I could still try for a VBAC, which is normally forbidden for women with GD. So honestly, good news all around.

Even my dissertation seems to finally be coming together. After several weeks of drama trying to find a final defense committee member, and trying to get everyone to pick a date, it looks like I've finally scheduled my dissertation defense. I'm still waiting for final confirmation from my committee, but odds are good that I'll be defending next month. Which is good, because I don't want to tell anybody at school about my pregnancy until after I defend. (Thank you once again to AdvisorA for making me totally paranoid about sexist retaliation.)

So yes, things are looking good. You'd think that my mood would turn around a bit. But so far... not so much.

I'm a little weirded out by how different this pregnancy feels for me than my pregnancy with LL. I expected there to be changes (every pregnancy is different; I'm in a different place; I've been through it before; etc.). But even given all of that, it still feels... different. I feel like I'm more detached somehow. The first several months of my pregnancy with LL, I was constantly worried that something would go wrong. Every time I was without morning sickness, I was sure that the pregnancy was over. Every time I had gone more than a week without an ultrasound, I began to doubt that things were still okay. Things evened out a bit once I started feeling kicks on a regular basis, because I stopped worrying quite so much, but I still felt a lot of emotional highs and lows.

This time around, I'm still worrying, but it doesn't feel like the same type of worry. I'm still worried, but not in an "I hope everything's still okay!" sense. More in a "I wonder if things have gone wrong yet?" sense. I keep feeling this weird sense of inevitable doom. And no, I have absolutely no reason to be feeling this way. Every single appointment has showed normal growth and normal development. Normal everything. With LL, every time I heard a heartbeat or saw LL on ultrasound during an appointment, I was filled with awe and relief and excitement and love. This time, there's a little bit of relief, but mostly it's just... surprise. Really? Things are still okay? Are you sure? How strange!

During my pregnancy with LL, especially during the first trimester, I was consumed with thinking about the baby. Was he okay? What would he look like? I can't wait to tell our parents! I can't wait to tell our friends! Gosh, I feel really sick. How big is the baby this week? Does he have eyelashes yet? What should we name him? This time around, I just feel angry at all the external stuff. Did the car accident affect the baby? Can I recover from the car accident while pregnant? Better warn the physical therapist that I'm pregnant! Gotta hire a lawyer to explain to the stupid auto insurance that I couldn't get an x-ray, because I'm pregnant! Do I really have GD? How can I possibly manage GD diet and blood sugar monitoring and extra medical visits and physical therapy and dissertation and still run my household? Gotta interview for a job before I start showing! Gotta defend my thesis before I start showing!

I was so excited to tell our family and friends when I was pregnant with LL. This time, we've started telling everybody, but I just feel relieved to have it out in the open. Not all that happy, just relieved. And it doesn't help that I'm not showing at all, I haven't gained a single pound, and I'm not really feeling all that much as far as pregnancy symptoms. (Occasional indigestion and leg cramps. That's it.) And while those things would probably make other women really happy, for me it's just adding to the feeling that this pregnancy isn't really happening. It's weird.

It makes me sad that I'm not getting as excited as I was before, that I don't feel as emotionally attached as I did last time. S is convinced that I just have too much on my mind, and things just keep piling on top of it all. Car accident. Gestational diabetes. Advisor drama. Committee drama. Dissertation defense scheduling. But if that's true, it doesn't bode well for the rest of the pregnancy, because most of those things aren't going away anytime soon.

Maybe once I start feeling regular kicks things will feel a bit better.