Still Waiting

Still in the 2ww, with no news. My nipples hurt, I'm nauseous on and off through the day, I've had a series of bad headaches, and my temp is still up. Anyone else would say that, at 10dpo, these were all signs of pregnancy, but I had the same exact symptoms last cycle just from the increased hormones, so I'm not counting my chickens. I am glad to be home, where I can feel sick in the comfort of my own house, but mostly I'm just counting time until I know something definite. And reading holiday cards from all of our friends, as they recount the details of their growing children and newly-announced pregnancies.

Blech

Quick update from the in-law's house. I've been feeling tired and, most notably, nauseous, for the past several days. I'm carrying candied ginger around with me everywhere I go, and sucking on piece of it usually calms my stomach enough to keep me from throwing up. It's been particularly bad today, which has made it interesting, since we don't want to say anything to S's family.

I'm also still not positive that I've ovulated yet. The trigger shot was Monday, and I felt like I ovulated late Tuesday, but this morning (Saturday) was the first morning that my BBT was up at all, and that was just barely. Keeping my fingers crossed that everything is going well.

Egg On Its Way

The IUI was yesterday. Dr. M. had to use a tenaculum to "get traction" on my cervix, which, in addition to sounding rather disturbing, hurt like crazy and had me doubled up in pain (and spotting) for the rest of the afternoon. Last night, as I was going to bed, I felt a sudden, sharp pain from my left ovary, and this morning I can feel the "fullness" easing up, so I think that I might have actually felt myself ovulating. I'm still a little nauseous (from the trigger shot?) but feeling loads better than the past few days. Quite a relief, since maybe I'll be feeling close to normal by the time we leave for Christmas. In the mean time, nothing to do but down folic acid and wait.

Go, Little Follicle, Go!

My follicle scan today showed one mature follicle (19mm) so we did the trigger shot at 11am (last cycle, I barely noticed the shot, but this time it strung like crazy) and we have an IUI scheduled for 2:30 tomorrow. My uterine lining was a little on the skimpy side (7mm, putting it just outside the desired 8-13mm range, and I couldn't really see the three-striped pattern that we saw last cycle). Dr. M. said that it would probably be thick enough, but I worry sometimes that he just says that to try to paint a rosy picture. My web research seems to show that it's only a real problem if it's 6mm or lower, and it can still thicken after ovulation, since there are several days between ovulation and when the (hopefully fertilized) egg implants in the lining, so... I guess I have to cross my fingers and say "good enough."

Anyway, I'm a little disappointed that there was only one follicle (on my left side, like I couldn't have seen that coming), and I'm a little worried about the endometrial thickness, but overall not bad. Today is Cycle Day 14, so we're more on track of a "normal" length cycle, since the follicle matured several days earlier than last month. IUI tomorrow. Trigger shot should clear my system by December 25. Pregnancy test around December 30. So, we should know the result of the cycle by New Year's.

In the mean time, the hCG shot knocked me out for the day, took away all appetite, and made me fairly nauseous for the afternoon. By this evening, I was in a lot of pelvic pain, too. Another day of getting nothing done at work (kinda lucky I still have a job, at this point).

Okay, back to my regularly scheduled pelvic fullness....

Abdomen

The last 3 days or so, I've felt like my stomach was pumped full of air. This is different than the "pelvic fullness," which is definitely around my ovaries. This pain is higher up in my abdomen, and is making my entire stomach feel oddly firm to the touch (S. said it feels like I developed amazing body-builder stomach muscles in just one week). The bloating is coupled with overall pain, which feels like some sort of cross between over-eating and gas. Blech.

I've done some web searches, and of the pages I've found, half of them mention abdominal bloating and pain as a "normal" side effect, along with the hot flashes and headaches. The other half of the web pages take a much more alarmist approach, listing abdominal bloating in its own category, and urging patients to call their doctor. Annoyingly, they don't say what horrible condition the bloating is a condition of, to warrant such a reaction.

By last night, I was tempted to call Dr. M's office. But now I'm just trying to talk myself through surviving today on my own. We have an appointment tomorrow for a follicle scan, and if I can just talk to him about it tomorrow, I'll probably be fine. I hope.

Holy Night Sweats, Batman!

I woke up not just once, but twice last night completely drenched in sweat. I feel like I didn't sleep at all. I've had 3 hot flashes this afternoon alone. And, my usual ovarian pain on my left side is back, even this early in the cycle (today is Day 9). I also kept spacing out all day (not sure if it's the lack of sleep, the temperature fluctuations, or the emotional drain from the Clomid). Twice, in meetings, I realized that I had no idea what was going on, and got the distinct impression that I had just repeated something that someone else had already said. Woopee. All of this should keep getting worse, at least through Monday. Fun stuff.

On the topic of "pelvic fullness" (I don't know why I find that term so amusing)... the pain on my left side keeps getting sharper, though pressing on it gently makes it feel slightly better. (Last night, I made S. reassure me that I wasn't irreparably crushing our potential future children.) My left ovary is always the one that hurts, and it is also the one that Dr. M. has trouble "finding" with the ultrasound, so my working theory is that my left ovary is crammed into a bizarre nook where it doesn't belong, and at the least provocation, it starts kicking the shit out of my appendix. But that's just my theory.

Also, one quick rant: if one more person uses the phrase "But you don't even have kids!" to minimize my ability to be busy or stressed, I'll start throwing punches. I'm a full-time PhD student, I work 2 jobs, I do almost all the housework for my household, I'm taking care of a husband who is still recovering from surgery, and I'm dealing with infertility treatments. Yes, I assure you that even though I do not have children, it is possible that I have a lot on my plate! It seems to me that a reasonable, friendly response of, "Wow, sounds like you're busy! Me too!" would make sense. But my friends all respond with, "You can't be as busy as me - you don't have kids!" which has the double whammy of minimizing my stressful life AND reminding me of what I may never be able to have. Thanks a bunch.

Total Ditz

I can definitely feel the difference between the lower doses of Clomid and the highest one that I'm on this cycle. The hot flashes have been about the same so far (only a few mild ones, but history tells me that they should start with a vengeance tomorrow or Tuesday). The headaches have been worse. The crying jags have been much worse. In fact, the overall emotional effects have been off the charts; several times in the past few days, I've simply broken down, feeling totally crippled by hopelessness and despair. I usually snap out of it within the hour, but wow it sucks.

The new and exciting side effect, though, is the total lack of mental abilities. In the past few days alone, I have:

• broken down crying at my inability to open our front door, only to discover that I had never unlocked it.
• while conducting an interview, lost the ability to string words into sentences, stumbling and slurring repeatedly over the complicated question, "What is your favorite class?"
  
• tried to put a hot pan back into the oven without oven mitts, because in the 30 seconds it took me to check if it was done cooking, I apparently forgot that it was also scalding hot.
• while trying to measure olive oil, poured large amount of oil all over my hands not once, not twice, but three times in a row, before giving up in frustration and letting S. do it for me.

I've also completely lost the ability to do simple math. Or remember where I've left my keys. I'm not sure that it's safe for me to be operating a motor vehicle. If I thought that I could get away with it, I would call in sick to work for the entire week.

More Finances

For some reason, Dr. M's office has stopped charging us for appointments. Not that I'm complaining. It always made me vaguely uncomfortable to pay them for the privilege of being romanced by an ultrasound wand. So, for now, we're only paying for drugs.

Clomid prescription #3: $5

Total spent so far: $60
(plus the cost of many, many pints of ice cream)

When I picked up the prescription at the drug store, I found out that when Dr. M called it in, he authorized 3 refills, in case this cycle, and the next one, and the next one, all don't work. Very practical of him, I'm sure, but wow it made me want to cry.

Definitely Not

It is now official - my period started this morning, the cycle failed, I'm (still) not pregnant. I start the next round of Clomid on Thursday, this time at the maximum dosage. We're going to be cutting it very close as to whether we will be able to do an IUI this cycle before we leave for Christmas. If the timing is the same as last cycle, we'll be doing the procedure on our way to the airport; if I ovulate any later than that, we'll be trying the old-fashioned way (though still with pharmaceutical assistance), very quietly, in the guest room at S's parents' house. Woopee.

The stats thus far:
IUI#1 - Oct'07 - 50mg Clomid - canceled
IUI#2 - Nov'07 - 100mg Clomid - failed
IUI#3 - Dec'07 - 150mg Clomid - underway....

Probably Not...

I took a HPT this morning (approximately 11-12 dpo) and it was negative. My BBT also dropped a bit this morning, compared to the last week, so I'm not feeling all that confident about this cycle. I've been feeling increasingly crampy all day as well, and I've had a persistent headache since yesterday afternoon, all of which seems to point to my period starting soon. (But, as S. and I keep pointing out to each other, since I've never been pregnant, I don't actually know what early pregnancy feels like, so what do I know?)

For now, there's nothing I can do other than wait. Dr. M. had suggested waiting until Tuesday or Wednesday to take a HPT, so I'll plan on taking another one then (anything's possible, right?). But, if this cycle really has already failed, I'd rather just get it over with and move on to the next one. If my period starts in the next day or two, we might still have time to do another IUI before we leave for Christmas.