Monday, January 18, 2010

Project Status

Hey, did I mention that I started a round of clomid last weekend? No? Hmmm, interesting.

This cycle feels very weird to me. The last time I did this whole fertility treatment thing, it was my life. I got no work done, I was focused on every little twinge, I thought about little else. This time is ... different. Today is Cycle Day 11, and I've barely noticed. Lots of factors are keeping me from obsessing quite so much this time, including: (1) secondary infertility is a different sort of beast, at least for me; (2) side effects have been very mild this time around, which is actually making me a bit nervous about whether the medication is actually working; (3) it's hard to dwell on chemically-induced exhaustion when you're chasing a toddler; and (4) I'm much more busy at work right now than I was last time, so focusing on treatments really isn't an option.

The shocking lack of side effects is surprising, and an actual physical difference from last time. I've had a few hot flashes and a persistent headache for the last week, and I'm a bit light-headed, but other than that... nothing. No crying. No screaming at S. No forgetfulness. I feel amazingly close to normal. (Okay, the headache has sucked. But sadly, a week-long headache still fits into the "normal" category for me.) But the other differences are all about circumstance. Part of me is thinking gosh, if I had been busier at work last time, maybe getting pregnant the first time around wouldn't have sucked so much! But I know that's not true. I'm sure that people experience secondary infertility in different ways, but for me, there isn't the same desperation that I was feeling with primary infertility. There's less uncertainty, in a weird way, possibly because it just feels ... familiar. I'm more content to just go through the process without emotionally living and dying with the outcomes.

At least, that's how I'm blithely feeling on Day 11 of this year's very first medicated cycle.

I'm sure I'll be feeling very different with a boatload of failed cycles under my belt. And I actually have a lot more to say about secondary infertility compared to primary infertility, but in some ways, I don't feel like I've earned the right to talk about it yet. Or, to be perfectly honest, perhaps I should put it this way: I'd probably be an idiot to talk about it when I'm still so new to secondary infertility.

Anyway, whatever the reason, the fact of the matter is that I'm obsessing more about work than I am about getting pregnant. Things keeping me up at night right now:

1. I have had several rounds of interviews with a local company, but I haven't heard from them at all since before the holidays. I'm too chicken to send them an email and find out what's going on. Afraid of rejection much? Instead I'm just going to continue to mope about feeling unloved.

2. I submitted all of my tenure-track assistant professor applications. Now I wait. And wait and wait and wait. Typical numbers that I've been hearing for my field this year: each tenure-track job opening is getting approximately 500 candidates, for which they will interview 5 candidates, and make an offer to one. That's only a 1% chance of even getting an interview, much less an actual job offer. I'm really not loving those odds.

3. I have a conference paper due this week. I will need to submit it the day after my follicle check, possibly on the day that I'll be having an IUI, if all goes well. Now that I have a complete first draft of the paper, which I have sent out to my coauthors for review, I'm feeling remarkably calm about this. Even though I have received zero feedback from my coauthors.

4. On Saturday, LL learned how to open doors. My life is forever changed.

4 comments:

Sunny said...

Time to get some door locks. :) And the former career counselor in me can't help but say: FOLLOW UP WITH THAT COMPANY, NOW! (Sorry, the career counselor in me is rather bossy.)

Fingers crossed for this cycle, I am very excited for you. Be sure to keep us posted!

And to answer your question, unfortunately no, I can't lounge on the couch. I am not allowed to do stairs, other than when I leave the house to go to my OB appts. I suppose I could stay on the couch, but I would have to sleep there too (not so comfy). Plus I'd need someone to give me sponge baths since our shower is upstairs, and I doubt Colin Firth is available on such short notice. (Yes, DH could do it, but it's my fantasy, okay?) (Just please don't mention this to him.)

Jennifer said...

Clomid cycle...that's great. And I'm so glad you don't have wacky side effects. I've never used clomid, but have not heard good things about the way it makes us feel...glad you're not experiencing that! Good luck this cycle...hope you get that positive on your hpt!

As for LL...doors, huh? Yikes. That changes everything. I'm so glad Julian hasn't figured it out, but I know he's close!

LabMom said...

Best of luck with the Clomid, the interviews, the applications and the paper!

Jen said...

I'm glad the clomid has had few side effects this time around. It sounds like you are busy enough without dealing with that.

And opening doors? Oh no! I dread that day.